November 4, 2011

isolophobia; the fear of being alone.
do you ever have those days where you feel like you have so much to say, but you just don't know what it is you want to say? it's like i have a thousand feelings and thoughts barred up inside my mind, closed off from everybody else. usually, this wouldn't be anything new or different. but for the past few months or so my life has become one of honesty and openess to all those around me who care. and it is almost like that has changed instantly, as if overnight. there isn't just one specific person here either, it's with everyone. in my mind anyways. i could just be acting immature, but still. after spending so much time being free and open, it is really hard to go back to the restraints that come with not talking. it feels suffocating. and i hate it. i am back to worrying about constantly being a bother, or saying too much, or too little, or hurting somebody here, or not being enough or doing enough, or just simply being pushed aside. i've been there, and pushed through that, it would be a shame to go back to that way of living my life. maybe i am drawing completely wrong conclusions from everyone else, but that doesn't matter because this is how i feel. and it scares me. i hate feeling like i am all alone.

that's my soap box for the night.
tomorrow will be a better day.
tanner will be here. with me.
go badgers.



Court(: said...

i know its not the same, but i really am only a phone call away. i honestly would love to talk to you right now. probably more than anyone else. and heavenly father is always always always there for you. i miss you. you're in my prayers

caitlinelizabeth. said...

boss. you are an amazing woman. truly, you are. (:

how are you?
will you be home for thanksgiving break?

i need to see you.