February 2, 2012

do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wonder, "what in the world is going on with me?"
i have been in such a weird slump lately. i am constantly whining and it seems like there is always something going wrong or somebody that isn't happy with me because of my own stupid choices. i feel tired all of the time, and by the time i fall asleep at night i feel like i might as well have ran a marathon. my body is always sick. some new illness seems to be always overtaking me. i cry over everything. and i mean everything. in fact, that is what i am doing right now. just isolating myself into my bedroom and crying for reasons i am not ever sure of. who am i these days? this isn't like me at all. i pride myself in being able to maintain a positive outlook on life generally, and always having a smile on my face. and the worst part is, i am sitting here being oh so sad, and i don't have anybody to talk to. not that i don't have amazing people in my life, because i do. and i couldn't be more grateful! but i have already put so much strain on all of those people already, i just don't want to put anymore. i can't. i just can't handle knowing that i have dissapointed someone i love, or hurt them in some way. it kills me. but i seem to be doing that so much lately, without even meaning to! and now look, i am very much alone in my sadness. mostly of my own accord really. i am not blaming anybody or trying to make anybody feel pity for me. no, not at all. i am merely just trying to piece an answer together. where is this all coming from? why am i so..... insufferable right now? if i were all of these people in my life, i wouldn't talk to me. no way.  in fact, my friends and i deserted a friend of ours because she displayed behavior alot like this. we couldn't handle it. we tried to help her as best we could, but she was such a downer and would not accept anything we did to help. and now i am that person. i hate being like this. do you know how many times i have had to apologize to people lately for hurting their feelings or doing something completely dramatic and stupid? more times that i would like to admit quite frankly. i don't even understand! 
bahh. i need a hug. and someone to cuddle with me. 
any takers?

sorry about the gloomy mood guys, 
i am pathetic sometimes.
goodnight everyone.
have good dreams.

-shine on,
glitter girl

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

hug, maybe on a good day,
cuddle, not over my dead body (although if i was dead, i would have no choice of the matter, however that would be extremely creepy, you cuddling with a dead body and all),
Caitlin, without time like these then all of your smiling and positive outlook would be due to ignorance not genuine happiness.
Being aware of the problem is further than we ever got with your friend, and is thus why eventually, after much wailing and gnashing of teeth, that you can change,
You ever need someone to talk too who really doesn't care, and thus can't be strained, then call me (preferably the day before)

Court said...

caitlin. you are a beautiful, intelligent, funny, sweet, amazing person. you have changed my life in so many ways. you have made such an impact on me. over and over again, i have seen how incredibly blessed i am to have you in my life. i'm so lucky to be able to call you my best friend and i miss you so so much. call me this weekend so we can catch up. you're beautiful and you deserve the best. don't let anyone tell you you're not enough. you are amazing. i love you a lot. <3 boss

glitter girl. said...

Anonymous. how can I call you if I do not know your name?

and boss. thank you I needed that :) you are so amazing! over spring break we need to see each other okay? okay good. I love you so much! :) you are an amazing friend.

Cameron said...

sorry anon. is default

Anonymous said...

I stumbled upon your blog the other day and you are very insightful! I have enjoyed reading it, you are an intelligent writer. You put a lot of faith and trust in God, and maybe this is an act of God. Maybe he wanted you to see what your friend was going through, so that you could forgive her one day. Just a thought,

anonymous reader.