it's sort of strange to me, as i sit here and think about these past few days, how everything you have ever known and cared about can change so quickly. how the people you care about and love the most will suddenly feel so far away. how one moment of anger can so greatly impact your whole future. i am here to tell you all that i have messed up. and not just once, but a few times. i have pushed buttons and hit my limits. and apparently that seems to be too much. it has hit a point where some people just do not want to do it anymore. they seem to have had too much with me. and i know that deep down, they are right. i do not deserve the great people around me. i mean, what great purpose do i serve in the life of another? i don't. they do deserve better. so my options are becoming more and more defined as time goes on. i can either try and just accept it and get through it, or i can give them what is really the better option. i can clear myself from them, for their own benefit. just sort of.... dwindle? because, that would seem to be what would make them much happier in this current situation. because, i am no longer making them happy, but rather i am becoming a dysfunction to their life. which i just can not do. which gets me thinking onto another topic..
if somebody were to just slowly disappear from your life, would you notice? have they impacted you enough that you would actually, physically and emotionally, feel their loss? or rather, would you be so caught up in the things that make you happy to even notice that one person is gone? sometimes i wonder about that thought. i have had many people come and go in my life, and never have i had a person (outside of my family of course) that has proved to me that even just one person can stick around for an extended amount of time. their memories and friendship still mean the world to me, but i wonder if in those moments of slow dwindling if they could see the separation taking place, or if it just hit them really hard one day when they could see that i was gone? or, did they even notice at all? these are real life issues that i question on a daily basis. i know, i sound utterly crazy and upset right? wrong. this is all being written in a completely calm and almost monotonous tone. it is just something i legitimately wonder about. and, if in this situation, they would notice. not that my friends do not love me, because they do. and they show it to me all of the time. i just wonder how big of an impact one person can actually make on another person.
i know that i have had people that have effected me in enormous ways, both for good and bad. the good outweighing the bad fortunately. i have been blessed with so many wonderful influences that have all taught me the importance of some quality, or situation. my problem is, not that i do not remember and see the good, but i lack the ability to forget the bad. which is beginning to negatively impact me in ways i could never even imagine. i just keep remembering that we all have our own set of issues to get past, and that hopefully there is at least one person out there who will trudge with me through rough waters. not that i believe that anyone ever owes me that, or that i would ever expect or ask someone to do that. but anyways, for anyone reading now i am just rambling. this is not meant to be a pity post wherein i express my deepest, darkest emotions to my readers in an attempt to get back millions of positive reinforcement..... no. i would never do that. i do not write for that reason. i write to feel better. i write to simplify my thoughts. and i write because sometimes, there is no better or truer listener that your very own pink, plaid notebook.
my thought for you today reader, is to appreciate the little people in your life. (by little i DO NOT mean short) i mean to tell those you love, that you love them. if there is anyone you have wronged lately, show them that you care. do not take advantage of the people in your life. because you never know how easily they could just let you go.