May 6, 2012

so, i guess i have a lot i need to say. some of it is apologies, some of it is explanation, and some is just a lesson to learn. i have been humbled this week kids, and i do not mean that lightly. it wasn't a small, soft reminder, it was more like a big huge humbling. i know that i can not be the only one with this problem, but sometimes i feel like i am. i have been so selfish. and i have made those around me feel like their words mean nothing. i spend way too much time caught up thinking about every little thing that i do not like about myself. i find the reasons why i shouldn't win, or why i am not good enough. what's that all about? what a waste of my precious time here. how can i be so shallow? and then i keep getting reminded that when i do this, the people around me who try and use kind words to console me, they feel like those words mean nothing. which is not true at all, not even a little bit. i guess i have never considered that i was doing that to people, and i am so sorry. that is a really good way to drive people away. good one caitlin. 
for anyone out there who is like me, i understand you. i know how you feel. when i am doing this, it is not because i am crying for help, it is only because that is how my mind works. i pick things apart and find all of the worst possibilities so that i know what to prepare for, and what to work towards. but i did not realize the negative effect i have on the people around me. :( kids, we need to stop this cycle of self deprication. even though that may be how our minds think, sometimes it is not the best. there has to be a better way of trying to work through things, without feeling like i am an over confident snob. this is a question i do not know the answer too, so this post is solely being written so that i can get feedback. i don't want to hurt other any longer, and i don't want to constantly be putting myself down. so, what is the answer then friends? 

-shine on,
glitter girl.


Anonymous said...

I find myself in your shoes often. It's frustrating, knowing exactly what you're doing wrong and doing it anyway. My first piece of advise to you is don't get mad at yourself for this, too. Don't add to your list of self pity and lothing. Instead, subtract from it--slowly. If there is something about yourself that you honestly don't like, you have the power to change it. Sure, it's not easy, and it takes time, but isn't it worth it?

So, when you're thinking about how horrible you are, switch it around. Instead of thinking "This is something I hate about myself," think, "This is something I am changing about myself." Do you see the difference? Positivity is everything. Besides, nit-picking every negative thing about the way you are all at once is exhausting, and frankly, it's a waste of energy. Take one thing at a time. don't get overwhelmed with the big picture. You don't need to worry about everything all at once. Focus on the here and now.

Now, the above is a process, and it takes time. However, there is a more immediate solution, and it's one of my very favorites. Distraction. Distraction can be your best friend, to an extent. The very nature of it will take your mind off those pesky negatives that become so engrained in our brains. It's important to pick the right kind of distraction though, so I'll share the best onw with you: other people, especially those you love. When someone is talking to you, forget everything else around you and focus solely on what they're telling you, whether they're telling you an intricate, important story, or just talking about the weather--it doesn't matter. You can make someone's day simply by giving them a quiet ear and intent eyes. But take it deeper than that. Devote yourself to their needs, no matter how simple.

Of course I can't tell you what to do, and I'm not trying to. This is just what works for me. It's honestly one of my favorite things to engage myself in. People have such interesting stories, and you can learn from their words as you help fulfill their needs. Plus, when I'm helping other people I don't have time to think about how horrible or stupid or ugly or whatever other thing I am. It's like my own personal gateway of sorts to being happy and little by litte, gaining pieces of self-satisfaction.

Good luck, Glitter Girl.

Cameron said...

simpler solution,
your mind works the way it does there is little you can do to change it,
just don't tell people about your problems, because you can deal with them well enough, from what i understand it is only your hurting of other people that compounds the problem, what people don't know can't hurt them
Thus i am saying something you will not hear me say often, just don't say anything.
Please note that this is a somewhat serious solution, not just an absurd solution that i know you will never try

Anonymous said...

I used to feel the exact same way...and I drove people away because I didn't feel like someone like me deserved anyone who cared about them. You have to realize people love you for you!(: getting over this problem took learning how to forgive myself, positive thinking, and a whole lot of the gospel. Realizing that one mistake does not define you is important. Start being positive. When you look in the mirror stop picking out flaws. Smile at yourself, realize your potential, tell yourself just how wonderful you are, and STOP letting mistakes define you. You are here for a divine purpose. Christ invested in you personally and you have to start giving him a yourself and be yourself, because that is one thing you will always be best at!

glitter girl. said...

what a blessing it is to have so many people who care so much. it really is.

tazzzz said...

I will tell you this right now. You are one of the funniest, most amazing people that I have met this year! You are a great person, no matter what anyone tells you. You are awesome, smart, funny, and my best friend. What else could you need? ;)