well, some of you may be happy to know that life is getting better. it always does, if you let it. although i am still sad alot of the time and still find myself thinking solely about him the majority of my days, i want to feel better. i want to fall asleep at night thinking that things are going to be okay. which of course, they will be. because the big man on campus will never leave you miserable. and i know that, i always have. i just needed a moment or two to feel sorry for myself and mope. i am sure i will need a few more moments, but hey, that's just a part of being a girl. i do miss him, badly folks, he is my best friend. and the thought of losing him hurts more than i can bear. luckily though, he is still here when i need him, and on the occasional days that we can talk. although i may not agree, i will do what he needs me to do and be supportive. because that is all i really want to be. i'm good at that. i find comfort in that. that is what feels safe to me. as long as i can do that for him, i will be alright. i will make it. i have to. i have a life i still have to live, and i have a whole lot of stuff to live for. no more lethal thoughts poisoning my mind, at least for now. i need a break from that stuff. i also need sleep. hahaha i have not had a full nights rest since friday. i have spent the majority of my nights crying. so tonight, i will sleep. i will rest my eyes and feel good. i will wish him goodnight and hope that he is happy, and then i will lay my head down and relax. no more thoughts, no more panics. i will simply breathe and lay myself to rest. how wonderful that sounds. how truly wonderful. i can spend my entire life worrying about this, but for tonight i simply want to sleep. so, that's what i'm going to do. does that sound good to anyone else?
here i go, off to bed. tearless and worry-free.
wanna know what stupid thing i did today? i was all ready to go to my friend's wedding so i got cass and her new man to drive all the way up to salt lake with me to go, then when we got there i realized the wedding was yesterday, and i missed it. wow, i felt like an idiot. i hope that makes you laugh. because i am pretty sure i am the biggest dummie ever. hahaha