July 5, 2012

hello heartbreak.
it's been awhile, i've been expecting you.

so, this is actually the second blog post i have written. the first one was one that i could not post. it had alot of anger within its words, and i didn't want to share that with everyone. i just needed to write it and get it out, and now i feel somewhat better about life. somewhat. there is still so much weighing in on my mind it's insane. but i am here tonight for one reason, and that is to talk about break ups. we all know they suck, and we all know how badly they can hurt. for me, this most recent one is probably the worst thing i have ever felt in my short nineteen years of life. i mean, we gave each other two years, and then one month from leaving his feelings just change. it's not like i can blame him, but it still hurts on the inside. that was a really long span of time to become so attached to one person. and i already suck at letting people go. it is something that i really struggle with. if a person comes into my life in such a special way, i like to keep them there somehow. sometimes though, they have another plan. it's not like that is a new concept, people come and go out of our lives every single day. when the sun rises into a new day we all wake up knowing that someone, somehow will leave their mark on us. it is inevitable. what we can choose though, is what to do with it. some marks we embrace, while others we don't. for me though, this mark meant something incredibly special. to have it be so carelessly removed cuts deeper than any other cut i have felt in my lifetime. it's still a fresh wound, and eventually it will heal, because all cuts do, but some scars are darker than others. some scars never leave you. some stay with you throughout your entire life. i have sat and told myself how i wish i would have never met him, or that i wish we had never fallen this deep. and then my heart reminds me of how much good that kid did for me. these past two years have been a rush, and because of that rush, i have grown so much. he may not think so, but he has changed me. i see myself so differently now than i ever have before, and i really should thank him for that. he may never understand the lasting effects that will have on me, but i sure do hope he knows i appreciate it. he is a great guy, and deserves the very best. which i am sure he will find someday. we both have some growing up to do, and some major experiences to undertake. i would never want to hold him back from those opportunities. am i sad? yess. does it hurt? of course it does. do i wish he wouldn't have gone? absolutely. but these are factors that are out of my control. things that are not worth dwelling on. so what is the deal with break ups my friends? they suck yes, but there is always good to be found within the bad. within this bad i see mounds and years of good. i see laughter, memories, smiles, tears, gifts, love, patience, maturity, learning, and growing. i do not know what i gave to him, and i may never know. maybe i gave him absolutely nothing except a mistake to learn from. no matter what the case though, i still have to look at the best things in this situation. otherwise i will never make it. otherwise i will fall into a pit deep below the surface, deeper than i have ever fell before. i don't want that for myself, and i know now that i deserve something so much better than that. in fact, every human being does. everyone deserves to be happy. maybe i will find love one day, and then again i may never find love ever again. i may never know the joys of having my own life completely intertwined with another's. but as long as i can learn to live with and love myself, then my life will work out the way that it needs to. so for those reading this who care, need a hand, or what have you, please remember that no situation is unbearable. there is something great that comes out of everything. no matter how hurtful or painful it may be. what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. i can do this. do i miss him? oh, more than anyone else in this entire universe. is he constantly on my mind? he has been from day one. but i wish him well. i hope that he can live his life and find something good from me. find even a little something that i left with him. i hope he knows that i truly did and do love him. and that i always will. he is someone i will never forget. his scar will stay with me forever. and will continue to effect me each and every single day that i walk this earth. but now, he feels like there is a different road for him, and it is one that i am not allowed to be a part of. i can respect that. as long as he is happy, then i can move along. i will do whatever he needs me to, while also living my own life. he has made a decision and nothing i do can change that. so, i will just follow the direction set forth by him. i will live, and i will do it with a smile. i will go about my days finding ways to make a difference in the lives of others the way he did for me. this anger and hurt will pass. and someday i can look back at this and have a better perspective on how simply amazing life can truly be. so, even though there are so many things left unsaid, and so many questions i will never know the answer to, i will walk away with my head held high. i tried my best, and i gave it my all. but i can put this mess you made back together and create something beautiful from it. i hope that any readers reading this out there can understand that they can do that too. no matter what the experience or the trial, there is good in every scenario of life. the trick is learning to find it, and hold to it. don't let go reader, just keep moving forward with your head held high. be proud of what you know, and who you are. never fall into that endless pit. but if you do, dig yourself out as quickly as possible. i promise, your hardwork and sweaty hands will pay off in the end. i hope mine does. i have been so blessed in my life lately, and i know there is someone still watching out for me. every human being does. so find that and hold to it. smile everyday. laugh everyday. it will make things so much greater in the end. thank you to my friend for teaching me that. i wish you the best my friend, i really do. this is your decision, and i am only sorry i couldn't give you enough reasons to keep fighting. i hope you find true happiness in your life and that you can experience everything you have ever dreamed of. these past two years have been wonderful for me, and i hope your next two will be as well. don't forget about me, cause i know i will never forget about you. 
here's to looking at you kid.
-shine on,
glitter girl.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Caitlin. You are a beautiful girl. And you are strong. You can make it through this. Just know that people out there really look up to you. And want the best for you. Hold your head high but know that it is okay to cry. Just make sure you can stand up and move on from it. You're amazing Caitlin.

tazzzz said...

Caitlin,
I will be there. Looking out for you. You are an amazing girl, and it has been my privilege being your friend. You can ALWAYS call me and I will listen to whatever you have to tell me. YOU are a beautiful daughter of god, who loves you and has your best interest in mind. I love you and don't ever forget that. You are the best friend I could ask for.
- Tyler a.k.a. your bff! (:

glitter girl. said...

anonymous; thank you. those words are so special and mean so much to me. whoever you are, you can make a difference too. i am sure i love you so much, i just don't know who you are. but thank you for anything and everything you have done. keep being the beautiful person you are. (:

tyler; you are the greatest. i love you so much friend. you don't even know. you are an amazing person with so much love to offer. thank you for your kind words. they mean so much to me. they really honestly do. i miss your face like crazy!! love you too bff.

tazzzz said...

I meant every word of it. :D I miss your arms like crazy! (; come visit me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!