October 3, 2012

you go girl. you go. thank you. thank you for finally being a woman worth emulating in today's world. i wish i could talk to you and tell you how amazed i am to see a woman be so powerful. it fills my soul with joy. this video just changed my life. my mind set has completely changed within the 4 minutes and 21 seconds it took me to watch it. the second it finished i went viral and watched every follow up interview there was to watch on this story. your strength and determination and confidence in yourself blows me away. you are the type of woman all of us young girls should be striving to be. strong, educated, goal-oriented, and confident in our abilities. thank you. i only wish i knew how to contact you so i could tell you how much this meant to me. 

readers, i have to be honest and upfront with you right now. this issue, this whole "i'm fat" thing, has severely affected my life for the past 5 years. there are times when it literally consumes my every thought. there are times when i will go days without eating because eating makes me feel guilty. as if eating is committing some sort of crime you know? i have spent time in hospitals because starving myself literally almost destroyed my body from the inside, out. not many people know this, because i did a really good job at hiding it. i still do. i can put on my happy face everyday and pretend like i have no cares in the world, but deep down this problem is the root of all my insecurities. i have never known quite how to beat the thoughts out of my head, and i still don't know how to keep them from flowing. there will be days when i will look at myself and literally almost cry thinking, "how did i let it get this bad?". i slump after that, and everything in my world comes crashing down. suddenly my life seems to be this huge tangle of darkness and all of a sudden i am not good at anything. all of my talents, they disappear.  i am failing everything and everyone, and there is nothing i can do to stop it because i am just one huge failure. i know this may not make any sense to some of you, and there are those who may be thinking, "this girl is a freak." and you know what, i guess i am. thoughts like this are not normal, and they are not healthy. it scares me sometimes how in over my head it can become. on my worst days i don't eat, on my good days i eat but constantly think about how many calories are going in and how many crunches i will have to do to work them off, and on my best days i am carefree, at least for awhile. for anybody out there reading this post who feels the same way as me, don't give up. you are not a freak. and this does not make you any less of a person. it is a challenge. but challenges are meant to be overcome.

this problem seems to be most adamant in females. for some reason we hold ourselves to such a high, unbelieveable standard. girls, these women we see in movies or even on boy's social sites... they are not real. those images are polished, airbrushed, and morphed until those women are no longer themselves. it is not real. we cannot compare ourselves to them, because if we do, we will never measure up. we are only human, and as humans, the best thing we can do is be who we are.  it sounds so simple when it is written out, but it is one of the hardest things in the world for some of us. don't think you are alone, i am right here with you. it won't be easy, but it is time to pull ourselves out of this insecure pit we have dug ourselves into. life is here for living, and it cannot be fully lived until we learn to accept who we are. this world will be much better off if we have more women like jennifer livingston. let us all strive to be more like her. not skinnier, prettier, have better hair or a smaller frame, but rather emulate her inner qualities. channel her strength, breathe her confidence, and embrace her charisma. let's just try. we will start with one day. let us go one day without a negative thought towards ourselves. if a negative thought comes, change it to a positive as quickly as it came. force yourself to change the way you think and see yourself. if you can't do it for yourself, do it for me. i need you now readers, to help me. i am a pathetic mess of a human being, but what better time than now to make a change? jennifer did it. and i want to also. join me girls, for a complete mental makeover. we can do this, one thought at a time. because, you only live once, and life is a beautiful thing, so ladies, eat the damn red velvet cupcake. eat it, enjoy it, love yourself, love others, and spread your light. because we all have so much light to give, if only we allow ourselves to see it.

-shine on,
glitter girl.


Court said...

Thank you for sharing this Caitlin. It was very beautifully written. Sadly, this is a normal thought that goes through so many of our minds, and you're right. This really isn't healthy. I want you to know how beautiful I think you are. Inside and out. They do both matter, and it is important to be our best self. We are told that in the scriptures. You have a strong testimony with a bubbly independent personality. You change lives. I'm sure you have so many readers on here that have no idea who you are. I know I've shared multiple posts that you've written with others who I am close to. I love you so much and your beauty engulfs you. You are an amazing person, friend, writer, dancer, miss lehi, and daughter of God. I love you (:


glitter girl. said...

i have the greatest friend in the entire world. no doubt about it. your cedar friends are so lucky to have the opportunity to be around you all of the time. i miss you dearly and i hope you are having the time of your life. you deserve it darling. i love you. thank you so much.