dear new years resolutioners,
i have to admit something really quite callous to you all. i have always looked at new years resolutions as a whole bunch of bologna. (yes bo-lag-na) i never understood why people needed the excuse of a new year to set new goals, when the day before would have worked just fine too. i would try to set resolutions which all started to become repetitive year after year. lose weight, work out more, positive self-talk, get good grades, finish that book i have been reading for three years...on and on and on. maybe some of you can relate to this. anyways, i would set these resolutions and then fail at them every single year. i think maybe the longest they would last was three months tops and then i would be back into all my old habits. it felt defeating, and i began to wonder why, as humans, do we do this to ourselves? there has to be a better way to self improve and progress without always feeling like such a failure when our New Years resolutions fall through.
this year wasn't any different. in fact, i had the attitude that i wasn't even going to make any resolutions at all. i was just going to try and take things day by day and accomplish daily goals. then, something really big happened. something that i did not expect in the least. something that hit me so hard in the face that it shattered my whole future. within an instant, or more accurately a five minute phone call, my heart was crushed. it came out of nowhere, like a rainstorm in the middle of june. it felt like all the air had been sucked from my lungs and my heart was collapsing in on itself. i was devastated, i was angry, i was hurt, i was crushed. while i hadn't made any grand resolutions, i had certainly painted a picture in my mind of what i thought my future would look like, and with the decision of one person, it had all ended and things began looking foggier by the minute. i didn't want new years resolutions. i didn't want goals. i didn't want anything other than to curl up and disappear until the pain ended.
fortunately my dear resolutioners, things have begun to change for me since that day. i realized after a few hours of sulking in my own pity that i had two choices. i could sit around and sulk and stay angry, or i could get up, get out, and make something happen with my life. you see, i had lived my whole life with the notion that there was only one "right" path for me, including only one right individual to complete it. what i have learned my dear readers is how wrong that belief is. there is not ONE set path for anybody and so we cannot let the fear of missing that path disable us from living. we will have multiple paths placed before us and sometimes the option between good and bad is very clear. but, other times the decision may not be so black and white. rather, there are moments when we will be placed with two paths with equal happiness awaiting them and God gives us the beautiful ability to choose for ourselves. sometimes, when other people choose to go down a path that excludes us, it doesn't mean that the rest of our future will be ruined. no, no, that is not how God's plan works.
these past few weeks of pure insomnia for me have taught me a lot. one of the most important things i think i have learned is that it is extremely okay for me to be strong. now i don't say strong to mean without feeling, because that it exactly the opposite of what i want to leave with you. when i say strong, i mean able to feel every emotion in your soul. feel it, embrace it, let it fill you. and then, if it's negative, to just let it go. it's okay to do that regardless of what others might tell you. it is also okay to stand up for yourself and not stand for mistreatment in any form. that is what i mean by strong.
so, after all of this, i have decided to set a few resolutions. and maybe i won't be perfect at them, in fact, there will probably be days when i don't meet my own expectations. but, that's okay. a resolution is not there to set us up to fail, but rather, it is there to give us a daily reminder of who we are striving to be. messing up and failing is all a part of that process. so, my resolution this year is to be strong and not afraid. i will no longer be afraid of my own bravery, my own talent, my own beauty, and my own self worth. i will not allow someone else to tell me who i should be, but rather i will be strong enough to try the things that i have always wanted to. if i fail, well then i fail. but, at least i gave it a shot. i will be strong enough to be alone and be okay with that. i will be strong enough to love others regardless of how much pain love may have caused me in the past. i will be strong enough to forgive without an apology. i will be strong enough to let pain go. strong enough to go down a new path, or rather, carve my own path with my own bare hands. in 2016, i will be strong.
and i really hope you will try to be strong too. strong in whatever way you need to be. figure out how you need to be strong, and then be it. cause, why not? it's 2016.
happy new year everyone. may this be the best one yet.